I finally met him on sunday night. after 7 days since the walk away. it felt a lil weird. dunno why. and we almost didnt talk at all during the journey from my place to his. I was the one initiating every conversation. haiz... and guess what? he didnt want to compromise with me. he said i should accept his everything like he did. and he has zero confidence that he'll be able to quit. so in the end, i gave in. HOW UNLIKE ME. love does wonders. really. or more correctly, it does magic. but i told him to try and smoke lesser. he agreed.



It's really really REALLYYYY bad for health. pple who smoke have high chances of suffering from COPD. a chronic disease resulted from weakening of bronchioles or the 'air-sacs' in the lungs. Lung muscles weaken and the amount of oxygen going into the lungs are limited and many who suffered from this disease experience shortness of breath, etc. the primary symptoms would be shortness of breath or 'panting' when you do simple exercises like climbing up a flight of stairs. Calling out to pple who smoke: if you experience this symptom or feels the lack of stamina easily, pls, go for a check up. it can be cured when discovered in the early stage.



When i asked if he was angry with me, he said 'dunno is it angry or what..' i really felt like crap. Angry with me???!! shouldn't it be the other way round?? haiz..



and for the next few days, i feel less loved. i used to feel blessed and really happy that i'm with him. and that i have him. but i no longer feel it now. Before this incident, a "goodnight baby" sms sent by him before i go to bed is like such a common practice that you no longer feel anything special for it. It's like brushing your teeth every morning. it becomes sth like a habit to receive that sms. i felt so in loved. i felt alive. but now, i no longer receive sms like this.. ok, perhaps yes, a simple 'goodnight'. but it's not the same. really, it is not the same and it dont feel the same... if i don't look at the name of sender, i wouldn't know who sent that sms. understand? i dont rmber when is the last time he even included this word 'baby' in any smses he sent or in any of our conversation.. i questioned why.



i thought quite a lot about it yesterday. i really dont feel good about it. if this goes on, i rather that we don't be tgt. at least there is a reason for him not treating me as well as before. i dont want to think about why this happened and whether it was my fault. i dont want and dont wish to know that this is happening because i brought it upon myself. i didnt mention to him about this yet becos for the past few days, im the one who initiated the smses. So perhaps that's why he only replies to my qns..

the way he reply my smses is also different now. my intuition tells me sth. i can sense it. crying to sleep is rather normal to me nowadays. in fact, i'm so impressed by what had changed me so much. i can see the change in me. but, why can't he?



sometimes i really think that i have some minor depression problem. when my school just started, i cry to sleep every night. for no reason, i think. or maybe becos i really felt lonely in school. the only nights when i wouldnt cry to sleep are those when i stay over at his place. becos i was not alone. now school is fine for me cos i made new friends. project work and exams kept me busy. and i no longer cry to sleep again just becos i needed to go to school the next day.



but here comes the other problem. sth worst and more difficult to solve. why couldn't he understand? i questioned myself. i had been crying a lot over the past one week. i think almost comparable to how much i've cried throughout my entire secondary school year (or maybe, plus poly years). i was not used to crying at all. i rmbered that day when i went to amk with mummy, i was eating bak chor mee and my eyes welled up with tears suddenly. i felt the gush of sadness. i must be crazy.



this morning i wanted to give him morning call. and guess what? i clicked on the call button as usual and trying to scroll down to search for his number amongst my 20 'last dialed' call logs. i couldnt find his number. it really rang a bell in my mind. i thought, how could it be?



he said i think too much. no, i'm sure it is not. it is evident. i sense it in every sms.



i want to feel alive again. i want to feel happy and blessed again. i want the life before this. if you can't give me that, pls end this. i dont want to cry to sleep anymore. i hate the eye bags i get every morning when i wake up. they are stubborn. it takes hours for them to go away.